Things that change and things that stay the same.

My life at the moment has changes, not only am I changing but there are events waiting just around the corner. The main one being that we have now reached the 3 month mark from T being confirmed at work meaning we can now get a mortgage. We have been looking at houses online and today drove around looking at the ones we short listed from the outside. One had a teeeeenie garden and windows falling apart. One we didn't like the area it was in and another needed a lot of work done just to the outside. We have one left. The area looks great, the house looks great from the outside, garden not huge but big enough and the house has everything were looking for in a house. It ticks all the boxes and from the outside there's no change in that. Tomorrow the estate agents are calling me and we are going to arrange a visit. It's a very exciting.

Another change or rather a progression is that my first book is ready for paper publishing. The format needs tweaking but then it's ready to go. Then I will have the second and third to do then the first book from another series. I have the one I've been writing along with the second zombie one and now I have a third in the series of the zombie books or a stand alone but whichever it has different characters and probably some of my kind of comedy in it. 

I'm trying to think of all the positives right now especially as I'm struggling tonight. 8 years ago I was the Illest I have ever been emetophobically and every year I have stayed away from the place it happened. This year I'm here. Today I have been places I went back then, touched things i touched then and walked the same floors. During the day I can smile, hold back the fears but right now with T asleep, Angel asleep and me sitting up awake with a steadily worsening sore throat and flashbacks it isn't so easy. 

I went out today to top off the phobia ass kicking. I went to a supermarket and had a look round the clothing sale and I was okay. I had aconite in my system but no loraz! That's a huge achievement but I can't say I know how I'm doing it or how long it will last.

Tomorrow it could all crumble and fall apart. 

Not how this week was supposed to start

This week Is starting wrongly, not at all how I imagined at all. I was supposed to get up tomorrow and drive my angel I playgroup then do some shopping in town then pick her up and bring her home. 

This is how tomorrow is going to go in reality. I have to take Angel to her grandparents to take her to playgroup while I try to get some work done at home. She then gets brought back most likely very late and then we stay stuck in doing housework. 

I failed. 

I spent all week preparing myself only to go and fail. I got up Friday morning too calm. We dropped Angel off over at the main house with her grandparents then T drive us the 45 min drive. I was okay. A little anxious but 'normal' feelings. 

Got there and met my instructor and he got me to do some driving. After nearly an hour I was beginning to get tired and was losing concentration. We finally stopped but not before my blood sugar was low. I managed to get time to eat a few crisps then I met my examiner and the test started. Anxiety- 0, panic - 0 confidence - 100. I truly was calm calmer than I've ever been in a tense test situation. I drove and I manoeuvred and I truly believed I would pass. No I knew I would. I was so focussed on it, on how well I was doing that I started to forget what I had to do. I left my indicator on way too long and confused other drivers not once but over 4 times. Major fail. I also messed up my positioning on a busy roundabout. 

I go to the end I the test and despite all of that was sure id passed. He told me right off id failed and it was like a kick in the face. I was mortified, ashamed, I still am. 

Yes I was tired from all the driving beforehand and my blood sugar was low but I also was overconfident. I am disgusted and disappointed. Not that I failed but with my stupidity. As If magically I would pass just through belief and positive thinking. 

So many people knew I was doing the test and I had to announce to them all that I'd failed. 

When I rebook my test I won't be telling anyone. Because then when I fail I won't have to feel so ashamed. 

Can't seem to keep up

I can't seem to keep up with my blog anymore. I tried starting a new one but that didn't help. 

I am in a new world most of the time. A world I don't recognise but am extremely grateful to be in. I am achieving things I never thought I would achieve in my life. Passing my theory test being one of them. Travelling for nearly an hour to go shopping in a massive town centre and even doing the driving myself. Eating meals out and not rushing home to hide but staying out afterwards and continuing which what I'm doing. 

I'd be lying if I said that I don't get panic attacks anymore; I do, I get anxious and depressed and panicked like I used to. I for now seem to bounce back quicker perhaps. I honestly don't think it can last but that doesn't matter, the thing that matters is that I am enjoying it, every moment, every day. It is freedom compared to where I used to be. I will never be 'normal' but this is the closest thing for me and it's indescribable. 

I'm not any less afraid of either of my phobias and that does catch up with me often, I think I just run quicker away again even though they never leave the back if my mind. You can't outrun yourself. 

Friday I have my driving test, I know I'm pinning a lot of hope on that, hope that is just about managing to keep me going through the anxiety and PTSD of this time of the year, especially when we are in the very place the huge big bad happened 8 years ago. It is a long time but every memory is fresh in my mind. 

I don't feel ready for the test, I did a few weeks ago. I really do believe I will fail. With the theory I knew I had a fair chance of passing because I'd worked so hard to practise and revise but I'm very hasty practically and I want to so much which means I won't get it and I can't say I will be inclined to try again. I know I will fall into a depression.  I know I will crumple. Maybe I even think it's about time I felt that way, I deserve it. I keep considering just cancelling. Not going through the stress of it. 

A long way to go to fail.

Today I have my theory test, I have to travel 45 mins to get to the test centre and I'm not aloud to have a drink or anything in with me. 

I am up early and mostly been pretty calm for me for the last hour but now the panic is starting to hit me. 

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm not afraid of the test just the test conditions and the distance to get there. My husband will be with me but even he can't take away the fear of being ill, he can only try to distract and soothe me. 

We have to leave in a moment and take our angel over to her nanny. :( my tummy is feeling so wibbly :( 

More up and down than a rampant yoyo (triggering)

Dentist stuff is still very much up in the air to start with. 

Tuesday me and my husband went on our first ever date since before Angel was  born leaving Angel with his mum who was great. 

I got very upset and to top it feel poorly from travel on the way and more panicky than I've been in a long time. 

It took a long while to calm down when we arrived at the car park and I ended up on an anti dizzy, half a loraz and the max dose of aconite 2 hourly. Yes it is a hell of a lot better than how much I'd have taken if it had been a year ago but it was one of the worst panics in ages. 

I finished settling on the walk to the place where the gig was being held and further calming when we had to wait outside for a while in the cool but not cold air. 

Inside it was okay, freedom to walk around, a bar and biggish room for the actual gig, toilets right next to it and a smoking area. It was nice and although we had to wait for a few hours before our band came on it was soo worth it when they did. The lead singer was gorgeous, I felt like he kept looking at me, I didn't give a poo about everyone else watching me dancing or hearing me sing. I just let go and did it and in 3-4 inch heels!!  I remember a girl at a gig we went to years back now who did the exact same thing, how unbothered she was and how is watched in awe wishing I could do the, feel that free. And I did, I wasn't completely lacking conciousness but if wasn't bad or crippling for once. 

It was very much a night of major negative followed by major positive.  

Angel has been off playgroup most of the week, thankfully a poorly I can cope with. 

I cleaned so much today the bedroom is spotless and hall and food all cooked etc. Just no time to write or work which if course gets me down. Angel hasn't been sleeping much and was very disturbed last night so I got no writing done then and despite T saying he would get out of the bath at 7.10 he didn't get out until about 9 by which time was too late for me to do any thing. 

He came home from work today to tell me his shifts are changing again and he's working longer and more hours I hate. Pissed off doesn't cover it. 

Then he goes outside to help his dad in the only time he gets with Angel and promised Her he would be back in time to read her stories and out her to bed... Still not back and she's been in bed half an hour. 

I'm pissed off and feeling restrained and desperate. I've already lost my temper and punched the wall. My littlr finger and knuckles are too painful to move now but the pain is good. I am looking forward to alone time and a blade. 

I won't bother anyone with my shit, my best friend has just gotten engaged and doesn't need my negatives, my other friend gets married 2 weeks today and the onl my other friend I had is happily with his partner and I don't exist. 

A new start, an old problem.

Yesterday was the day of the dentist. I prepared the day before, keeping myself busy, enjoying time with Angel and taking regular aconite to stay calm and not let my fears get out of hand. Once Angel was in bed I curled up beside T to watch a series we like and did some knitting so my mind had absolutely no excuse to go wondering. Before bed I got my bag ready then played a few mindless games on my phone as I drifted off. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared but I had it under control. 

I woke up groggy after nightmares about the dentist then got up and dressed keeping my food extremely safe, even avoiding coffee. I had intended to take 1 loraz but I went for half, knowing I could take the other half if I needed to. 

It had helped to keep me calm by he reminding myself it was just one little filling that needed replacing. 

We got there and i wasn't beside myself with panic. We got out of the car and went into the surgery early. I was called within 5 minutes and in I went feeling fairly positive. 

I was doing it and in no more than an hour I'd be out of the surgery, all better and fine and able to concentrate on my life once more. 

I lay in the chair and the dentist poked about in my mouth then she sat me back up to tell me I have 3 loose fillings that she wants to pull out and replace. That I'd have to fond back and if they couldn't do it without needles then I might have to be referred to somewhere to be sedated. 

Despite T asking she wouldn't consider trying to do any of it there and then and I left the surgery in tears telling the receptionist id rather die than go have it done in another 2 weeks! Knowing that it won't work anyway.! I told her id rather die. She was useless. 

I came home numb, still doped up but so incredibly low it hurt to breathe. I closed all the curtains and just hid all day. T's mum has offered to have Angel but was too preoccupied with a stupid cake to give her the attention and love she needed when she was worried about her mummy and feeling poorly and daddy had to go to work. She came back over to me and we had a hiding day where I kept losing consciousness. 

The next step is to find a dentist that offers everything I need. This one is bull shit. So it all hangs in the balance and months of reteaching go undone because my life can't go forward with this shit hanging Over me, holding me back and trying to pull me down. 

Facing it - emetophobically triggering but not actually talking about it.

I think I'm ill ill. I feel it, it's been building for hours and I've been a little off for the last few days. I feel panicky, how wouldn't i if I feel ill? But I feel ill too even as I'm sipping drink it isn't sitting right. I have to keep scratching my nails down my arms, I don't know, in a form or contr or something. My rings have come off and I'm about to go change so if it does happen these clothes aren't cursed. 

I'm changed now and debating whether to take an antiemetic. I had a look for them but my husband has tidied them away somewhere. Walking made me feel worse. I'm incredibly dizzy so I'm now wondering if it's that. :/ 

My husband has given me something for my dizziness and I've managed a small biscuit. I'm very very dizzy. 

My husband offered to stay away from me, knowing that when I'm usually feeling panicky and especially unwell I always always hide even from him. Although I would hate for him to see me get 'poorly' I feel like I want cuddles. It sounds so small to put it like that but even on a low panic which used to be constantly, I couldn't have even him near me, not even in the same house if I could help it. Maybe I'm finally understanding that he will love me no matter what. 

The other thing is that in the 'olden days' I'd have fought if and rebelled but this time I just let myself feel what I felt, accepted it and put things in place in case. The same as a normal person might do I guess; getting dressed into more comfortable clothes, having a drink to sip. 

I'm going to sit and try and watch something now in the hope that I will feel better but if not, as scary as it is and it sounds, I know I can cope.